they say...
Dec. 6th, 2003 10:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urbandruidThey say my great-grandfather is probably dying. Or at least this is what they mean, although what they say is that he's taking a turn for the worse- not eating, not drinking, still not breathing too well from the major cold he never got over... the one they've been giving him antibiotics for. My grandmother says he might turn around, but Grandma sent her email about all of this to my mother, a few other relations, and her cousin in LA who has never even come to see Great-grandpa. But not to me. (Mom, of course, promtply forwarded it.)
It's all very strange to me. I feel almost more relief than sadness. I remember great-grandpa before he was like this, when he knew who he was and who the rest of us were. He was a good man. He loaned people money on a handshake. He used to play the violin. He sold his car to Mom for much less than it was worth, because we needed the car and he didn't. Half the time he refused to take her money (so she gave it to Grandma to put into Grandpa's account.) But now- now he doesn't remember doing any of these things, or his name, or our faces. I don't know if he even communicates anymore- not that he did much of that lately to begin with.
Part of me feels this has dragged on too long, that he would be better off if it were over. And maybe I'm heartless, but that's the truth. Which I'm smart enough not to say to my grandmother, unless she starts the conversation.
And the rest of me- the rest of me is sitting here thinking, oh, great Goddess, Merry fucking Christmas, and how much of a mess is Grandma going to be now?
But they're evaluating him for hospice. They don't do that for things people might turn around from. They do it when there's nothing left to do but make the person comfortable.
He wouldn't have wanted to live like this. I know that. And if it happens- well, he signed a "do not ressusitate" order years ago when he first came out here...and maybe it would be better that way.
Something tells me I'm not going to have the luxury of falling apart this season, the way I sometimes do, between the family stuff and the annaversary of an old friend's suicide.
And on that cheerful note, I'm off to go Christmas shopping, beat people with my cane, and otherwise enjoy the holiday spirit.
*sigh*
It's all very strange to me. I feel almost more relief than sadness. I remember great-grandpa before he was like this, when he knew who he was and who the rest of us were. He was a good man. He loaned people money on a handshake. He used to play the violin. He sold his car to Mom for much less than it was worth, because we needed the car and he didn't. Half the time he refused to take her money (so she gave it to Grandma to put into Grandpa's account.) But now- now he doesn't remember doing any of these things, or his name, or our faces. I don't know if he even communicates anymore- not that he did much of that lately to begin with.
Part of me feels this has dragged on too long, that he would be better off if it were over. And maybe I'm heartless, but that's the truth. Which I'm smart enough not to say to my grandmother, unless she starts the conversation.
And the rest of me- the rest of me is sitting here thinking, oh, great Goddess, Merry fucking Christmas, and how much of a mess is Grandma going to be now?
But they're evaluating him for hospice. They don't do that for things people might turn around from. They do it when there's nothing left to do but make the person comfortable.
He wouldn't have wanted to live like this. I know that. And if it happens- well, he signed a "do not ressusitate" order years ago when he first came out here...and maybe it would be better that way.
Something tells me I'm not going to have the luxury of falling apart this season, the way I sometimes do, between the family stuff and the annaversary of an old friend's suicide.
And on that cheerful note, I'm off to go Christmas shopping, beat people with my cane, and otherwise enjoy the holiday spirit.
*sigh*
