urbandruid

Jeeze, LJ got messed up since the last time I bothered posting anything. Anyway...

Yes, I'm still alive. It's just that life has been crazily busy lately. It's also sucked a hell of a lot.

I have finals this week. I don't want to have finals this week. Actually, I don't want to have finals ever, but that's a whole 'nother story, I guess. I'm only really worried about one final, and of course it's today.

I guess I'll be glad when it's over.

I just can't help thinking how hanging out with my cat always helped me de-stress this time of year. I miss my kitty.

Somedays it feels like it's getting easier. Other days... not so much.

I've been shaking out the couch cushions since I found out I didn't get the scholarship, trying to find the money to go to London in the spring. The program application was due last Friday, so I got that in, and waited for them to call me in for my interview.

Tuesday was my Spanish final, and while I was waiting for my ride home I checked my messages. Got one from the nice lady at the district office. Unfortunately not about the interview. They didn't have enough people apply to the program, so they had to cancel it.

I'm bummed out, disappointed, and trying not to get depressed. I kept it together through Wednesday, which was my last final, but yesterday it really started to hit me that I'm not going. Nobody from here is going.

In other news, Mom has bronchitis, Sam still hates the new kitten and is making her displeasure felt by hissing and yowling when she passes the room he's in, and leaving little presents for me in the middle of my bathroom (aka crapping on the floor.)

I'm beyond ready for this year to be over. For lack of anything better to do, and badly needing distractions, I'm spending most of my time reading and playing LEGO Star Wars: the Complete Saga, on my Playstation, which I can't recommend enough even if I am stuck on the next to the last level of Revenge of the Sith.

I'd really like to get some writing done sometime, but my brain just isn't in gear right now. I think I strained it a little too much with the finals. And the huge bundle of fun and stress that has been this semester in general.

My History of the British Isles final is in an hour. I'm going in early, to another one of my teacher's class sessions, instead of waiting till my own section's final at noon because a.) she is nice and will let us do this and b.) I don't want to be out and about, waiting at bus stops and/or walking home from them in the afternoon, when it is going to be 97.

It's 7 AM, and it's already muggy. I hate, despise, and loathe the summer weather in this town. Always have.

That's okay, though. We're buying a BIG ceiling fan for the living room this weekend. Maybe ones for the bedrooms too, if we can find a good deal. (Sam's room can wait, because we broke down and bought her one of those automatic filtered air freshner thingys for her litterbox, which needs it. BAD.)

I can't believe I'm practically done with school. All I have to do is take the final, sell back my books (I'd keep them, but they're a.) deadly boring and b.) ALL about politics, in a not very interesting sort of way) catch the bus home, and I'm FREE.

So many weeks of freedom, to hang out, do as I please, watch DVDs, and write mountains of fic.

Be afraid.

...Ugh. It's a bad sign when it's too hot for a t-shirt at 7AM, yes? I was afraid this would happen... I was worried (hahahaha) about being cold this morning, which is why I picked the t-shirt, but I don't think that's gonna be a problem now.

Anyway, wish me luck. I had a nightmare last night that I turned in my test and got halfway out of the building before I realized I forgot to do the essay question. So. Not. Funny.

If anyone happens to be missing a sledgehammer, it's taken up residence in my head and is trying to pound its way free. I'll be happy to return it when it's done.

I'd also be happy to return it sooner.

Head has been killing me all weekend; I take tylenol or whatever, and it only takes the edge off it for a little while, and then I'm right back where I started again. Except I can't take anything else for a few more hours.

Algebra final is at 7:00; I'm leaving here at 6:30 to be sure I make it on time.

It turns out to be just as well Alias was a rerun last night. The cable crapped out while I was watching the Survivor finale and getting in the last bit of my studying. *scowl, mutter, curse* So Mom calls the cable company, who basically doesn't care. They have a monoploy in town, so they don't really give a damn how they treat us. They need three people to call in to have it be reported as an "official outage", and we were only the second. And no, we couldn't call back for the third call. "Just go ask one of your neighbors", says the woman on the phone. Right. At 9:00 on a Sunday I'm supposed to go bother my neighbors because the damned cable company has a stick up its-? Anyway.

They said they could give us an all-day appointment for today, meaning they could show up whenever the hell they wanted to, to "fix our problem". Lady, it's not my problem, first, and second, uh...no.

So, does anyone know who won Survivor?

Okay. I am not going to have hysterics over my Algebra final. I'm not. I studied, I studied really hard, I still have formulas dancing around my brain (and the song my teacher taught us for the quadratic formula is stuck in my head, but right now this is a good thing)... I will be fine.

And then I'll come home, get to relax for most of the day, and then I get to dash out to my eye doctor's appointment. Which will also be fine, or so I really, really desperatly hope.

I'm scared about everything, of course, but I'm going to be okay. It's all going to be fine, one way or another.

And I'm not sure if it's that I really believe this, or that I hope by saying it enough I will be able to make it true. But at this point I've done all I can, and I just have to accept that.

It's all over but the major suffering, now.

I can do this. I can.

I'm screwed.

I am so, so screwed.

I have a midrange C in my Algebra class, but I can't even work the numbers well enough to figure out what grade I need to get on the final in order to pass the class. And yeah, I'll study this weekend- I'll study so much that I'll see numbers when I close my eyes, and dream of formulas, but I don't know if it's going to do any good. And not knowing how well I have to do- makes it that much harder. I just keep staring at the grade report, scrawling numbers in the margins, trying to make it make some kind of sense. But earlier today I worked out that I could get 100% on the final and flunk the class. That's not possible.

I've always had this problem with math tests, you know? Like I can do almost anything for a homework assignment, but don't test me on it, because I'll freeze up, everything I thought I knew will go out of my head- or it won't, and somehow I'll still manage to screw it up.

*sigh*

And we have this thing with my grandparents tonight, and Mom and I are still waiting for Grandma to fall apart about Great-grandpa dying, and... Would it be too much to ask for just one lousey thing to go right?

You know what I'd like? I'd like to fall asleep and wake up next Thursday. Night. After all my finals and both my doctors' appointments. That's what I'd like.

Edit: And, oh yeah, if anyone cares; I have a B in Poli Sci and an A in Computer Literacy. Yay me. At least I don't suck at everything.

It's over, and I am too drained to really celebrate. I'm too tired, in fact, to do much of anything at all.

I put together lists in my head of things I'm not doing and should be, and suddenly I find myself making link graphics for my Obscure Character Obsession (aka the Marilyn Stark fanlisting). Which I don't know if another soul in all the world will even join, once it's up and running. But what the hell, right? I'm on vacation.

I'm almost tempted to spend half of tomorrow getting more screencaps; never mind the hundred and fifty or so I have now. I'm still weeding the crap out of those.

I guess I'm a little bit crazy. I'd say it's due to being on vacation, but I think I was like this before, too. :)

I have one final left to go, a history book I bought used that cost me way too much, which the bookstore will give me only a pittance for should I sell it back to them. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go into the mail, every symptom ever brought on by stress in spades, approval for the official Anna Sheridan fanlisting, and a new friend.

Everybody say hello to benjiesque. This is Lindsay's ex, Will, who mocked my Victor Garber obsession. I am greatly amused by this for some reason, but should I feel honored or afraid? ;)

My history prof shook hands with all of us when we turned in our finals, and said he hoped to see us in other classes next semester.

You must be joking. What was that you got the others to parrot back at you when we were covering the Cold War, professor? Nyet!

And I drag my feet, because I don't want to go off and bury my nose in biology from now until dawn tomorrow, never mind that this is what I really need to do.

At least it's almost over. Or so I keep telling myself, anyway.

Could someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to study for finals when I have three major tests the week before them, aka this week? Supergirl I am not.

I feel like I hardly have time to think or even sleep, and being me, I have my priorities lined up as well as always. I just want to write. Is that so much to ask?

And I whine really well, too.

Gods, but I wish it was all already over.