little taste of apathy
Jan. 11th, 2003 01:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urbandruidA voice inside me says, you don't want to do this as I'm coming back down the hall from my room with the book- the 627-page Dragonlance book. And I know the voice has got it right, but I ignore it, the way I ignore just about everything else that I don't like. I only have so much time left, and I'm not going to get to sleep anyway, is what I tell the voice. It's true. I can't sleep at night anymore; I wake at 10:00 AM, neighbors making their usual bloody noise, and only then do I want to get to sleep. I go to bed at midnight, or I try to, and I toss and turn for a few hours. So what the hell. I'll spend them doing something, instead.
Not like it matters. Mom's going to give me her looks no matter what I do. As if I wasn't getting them from everybody else too.
I know my family doesn't hate me as much as I think they do, and that Mom's problem really isn't me, that she's having as rough of a time of it as I am with the relations and everything else, but I can feel one of our little blowout fights coming along, you know? Just because I'm the only one here for her to gripe at doesn't mean I want to take it all the time. And I'm not really mad at her, either, but-
It's a lack of available targets, really. I'm here. She's here. She's annoyed at the world again (and I say this like I'm not) and me, I just don't want to go back to school on Monday. No, don't ask me what I'd do if I wasn't there. Probably won't be so bad anyway; at least it will get me out of here.
She's annoyed at the world again...and me, I just sit here reading when I should be sleeping, hanging on to the last threads of vacation even though I'm halfway to miserable, because I don't want to give up on it yet. Maybe because it's easier to be alone and lonely at home, when I'm surrounded by my things and my crazy projects, than it is to be alone in the crowds at school, doing my work, taking my notes, doing everything they tell me, and nobody noticing, nobody knowing I'm there or I'm not except my teachers. And even they only note it down in their roll sheets, present, quiet girl in the front row, head bent over her textbooks and binder.
I scroll through the list of current moods, wondering if there's one that fits.
I think I like apathetic. Yeah, I guess that works.
I did stuff today, got the damned Babylon 5 page up and running. You realize I'm never going to do the image gallery, or at least that's the way I feel right now. I should note the B5 page (and the Alias one) on the updates page for sentri.net, the one I don't think anyone has even visited since the last time I checked through all my links. I should, but I have this lack of witty banter that seems so necessary to sentri...
Not for the first time, I think I should let the domain go, buy myself another. Toss this into the void and let it go. But I don't think that it would change anything. And all five of the people who visit my sites would have to find them all over again.
Nope, that's just too much trouble for all of us.
Not like it matters. Mom's going to give me her looks no matter what I do. As if I wasn't getting them from everybody else too.
I know my family doesn't hate me as much as I think they do, and that Mom's problem really isn't me, that she's having as rough of a time of it as I am with the relations and everything else, but I can feel one of our little blowout fights coming along, you know? Just because I'm the only one here for her to gripe at doesn't mean I want to take it all the time. And I'm not really mad at her, either, but-
It's a lack of available targets, really. I'm here. She's here. She's annoyed at the world again (and I say this like I'm not) and me, I just don't want to go back to school on Monday. No, don't ask me what I'd do if I wasn't there. Probably won't be so bad anyway; at least it will get me out of here.
She's annoyed at the world again...and me, I just sit here reading when I should be sleeping, hanging on to the last threads of vacation even though I'm halfway to miserable, because I don't want to give up on it yet. Maybe because it's easier to be alone and lonely at home, when I'm surrounded by my things and my crazy projects, than it is to be alone in the crowds at school, doing my work, taking my notes, doing everything they tell me, and nobody noticing, nobody knowing I'm there or I'm not except my teachers. And even they only note it down in their roll sheets, present, quiet girl in the front row, head bent over her textbooks and binder.
I scroll through the list of current moods, wondering if there's one that fits.
I think I like apathetic. Yeah, I guess that works.
I did stuff today, got the damned Babylon 5 page up and running. You realize I'm never going to do the image gallery, or at least that's the way I feel right now. I should note the B5 page (and the Alias one) on the updates page for sentri.net, the one I don't think anyone has even visited since the last time I checked through all my links. I should, but I have this lack of witty banter that seems so necessary to sentri...
Not for the first time, I think I should let the domain go, buy myself another. Toss this into the void and let it go. But I don't think that it would change anything. And all five of the people who visit my sites would have to find them all over again.
Nope, that's just too much trouble for all of us.
