(no subject)

So, the depression is totally kicking my ass. I don't know why that's so hard to admit, but it is. I feel like I'm doing the best I can, but mostly what I do is a whole lot of nothing. I'm slacking on everything, not because I want to, but because I somehow just can't do anything more than I am right now. Most of my energy is going to dragging myself to school the two days a week I have class, trying to pay attention, acting like I have a hope in hell of passing Stats, which I really don't think that I do. I have about a month of school left, and I just wish it was over. I feel like I really don't care if I pass or not, I just don't want to have to deal with this anymore.

My birthday is Sunday. I'm finding it hard to care.

I'll get through all this. I know that. I'll be better, eventually. It's just hard pulling myself through it, you know? Or trying to pull myself through it. But I figure, as long as I'm not catatonic, as long as I'm physically able to drag my ass out of bed in the morning and do what I have to do, then that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm tired all the time, though. Half the time I can't get to sleep at all, then when I do, I sleep for hours and it doesn't do any good. I think I seriously slept half of last weekend. Still feel like crap.

Still have to go to class tomorrow, and take a test Thursday. *sigh*

And my family- *facepalm* Grandpa's surgery got rescheduled for last Thursday, only Grandma kinda forgot to tell Mom that. She did call her, though, when he was out of surgery. I'm sure you can imagine how she felt about that one. So, Grandpa's home and kinda doing better now, except we have to wait for the results of some biopsies to come back. Mom's heading over to see them after she gets off work tonight, so maybe she'll have some news when she gets back.

It's not that the way things are going surprises me, exactly- I remember how it was with Great-Grandpa, and I know where we're headed, but it's getting hard. Harder, I should say, 'cause it's never been easy. Seeing what the Alzheimer's is doing to Grandpa... Sometimes, almost more often than not lately, I don't know who he is. He's still with it enough to ask me how school is going, which is about all we ever talked about anyway, but- Hell, this is a depressing subject, and it bothers me even when I'm not already depressed.

I don't know if it's just me, as messed up as I've been feeling lately, but I feel like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. 'Course, I've been feeling that way for years, ever since Grandpa was diagnosed, really. So who the fuck knows? I try not to think about it a lot, which sucks as a coping strategy, but sometimes it's all I've got.

Life in general needs to stop sucking now. Really.