urbandruid (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
urbandruid) wrote2010-12-21 08:57 pm
urbandruid) wrote2010-12-21 08:57 pm
(no subject)
Solstice. And I'm not having a good day. Well. I'm not having a good year, really. I'll be glad when it's over. Scary to think I've probably been saying that about the last couple of years.
There's stuff I should be doing, stuff I said I'd do, and I just... I can't. I can't do much of anything lately. I'm overwhelmed by everything lately.
Saw my doc today, and she upped my meds. We'll see if that helps. It can't hurt, but I wonder if it's gonna be enough. I'm such a mess lately. Have been a mess for a while, I just have days when I cope better than others. Today? Not coping so well.
Went to the doctor's, the pharmacy, and the post office to mail something I sold on eBay. Making money is awesome, but OMG it was insane out there. Everyone driving like maniacs, practically running each other over in the parking lot trying to get out of there...
Mom and I both have library books due the 32rd, but neither of us wants to go out that close to Christmas, so we're probably going to go turn 'em in tomorrow night. I don't think I even read any of mine. Predictably, I don't really care, either.
It's been a week. I was supposed to go see my doc last week, but she called in sick, so I had to reschedule. When I called Friday to reschedule, nobody was answering the phone (office Christmas party, apparently.) Finally got hold of them yesterday, rescheduled for today...
Then there was the migraine yesterday afternoon. I've got meds for that, so I took one. Which worked for a couple hours. Then the damn thing came back. It's the kind of medication where I can take another one if I need it, but I hate to do it. One leaves me fuzzy headed. Two... I was just kind of staring at the Christmas tree, going "ooh, pretty lights."
Today? Migraine pill hangover, plus having to go out and about.
At least it wasn't raining. It has been, for... seems like forever now. I think we're just between storms at the moment. I like the rain, got used to it when I lived up north, but you get sort of tired of it. That, and living in the desert, nobody knows how to drive in it, which is insane.
Oh yeah, and Christmas? Just me, Mom, and my grandparents. *facepalms* Thanksgiving was our big family holiday this year; Christmas, the aunts and uncles are going to their inlaws' instead. I miss them. I also miss not having to be the freaking center of attention all the time. My family is... I mean, I love 'em, but Jesus, sometimes...
Then I feel guilty for complaining about it all, because Gods only know how much longer it's even gonna be like this. Grandpa's really gone downhill this year. Mom thinks he's still pretty much in there, I guess, but that he can't get the words out. I... don't know, really. He doesn't talk much anymore, and when he does it almost never makes sense. You have to try and puzzle out what he means, what he's trying to say. And sometimes nobody can figure it out. She says he still laughs at jokes, and I gotta wonder, is he laughing 'cause he heard it and gets that it's funny, or is he just kinda smiling and chuckling 'cause everybody else is?
But I'm in a bad headspace, and kind of irreverent half the time anyway, so I keep my mouth shut. What the hell am I supposed to do, anyway, tell Mom I think she's being too optimistic? That's her dad, you know?
...Fucking holidays. I am never on enough medication for this shit. This year? Definitely not on enough meds.
I really wish somebody would be there for Christmas besides us. It takes the pressure off. And I know that's gonna be worse than usual this year, because I'm not doing well. Not that we talk about these things in my family. Grandma's the type who'd wonder what I have to be depressed about.
Hell, I dunno. Take your pick.
More cheery news: We continued the tradition of my opening one present tonight, on account of me being a (lapsed) pagan. I got the Hunger Games trilogy in hardcover. Read the first one a few weeks ago and it was awesome, so I'm happy with this. I kept staring at my to-be-read shelf anyway, wondering what to read. So now I have something to read. Not the most cheerful thing in the world, but it's a great distraction, which is probably not the worst thing for me right now.
There's stuff I should be doing, stuff I said I'd do, and I just... I can't. I can't do much of anything lately. I'm overwhelmed by everything lately.
Saw my doc today, and she upped my meds. We'll see if that helps. It can't hurt, but I wonder if it's gonna be enough. I'm such a mess lately. Have been a mess for a while, I just have days when I cope better than others. Today? Not coping so well.
Went to the doctor's, the pharmacy, and the post office to mail something I sold on eBay. Making money is awesome, but OMG it was insane out there. Everyone driving like maniacs, practically running each other over in the parking lot trying to get out of there...
Mom and I both have library books due the 32rd, but neither of us wants to go out that close to Christmas, so we're probably going to go turn 'em in tomorrow night. I don't think I even read any of mine. Predictably, I don't really care, either.
It's been a week. I was supposed to go see my doc last week, but she called in sick, so I had to reschedule. When I called Friday to reschedule, nobody was answering the phone (office Christmas party, apparently.) Finally got hold of them yesterday, rescheduled for today...
Then there was the migraine yesterday afternoon. I've got meds for that, so I took one. Which worked for a couple hours. Then the damn thing came back. It's the kind of medication where I can take another one if I need it, but I hate to do it. One leaves me fuzzy headed. Two... I was just kind of staring at the Christmas tree, going "ooh, pretty lights."
Today? Migraine pill hangover, plus having to go out and about.
At least it wasn't raining. It has been, for... seems like forever now. I think we're just between storms at the moment. I like the rain, got used to it when I lived up north, but you get sort of tired of it. That, and living in the desert, nobody knows how to drive in it, which is insane.
Oh yeah, and Christmas? Just me, Mom, and my grandparents. *facepalms* Thanksgiving was our big family holiday this year; Christmas, the aunts and uncles are going to their inlaws' instead. I miss them. I also miss not having to be the freaking center of attention all the time. My family is... I mean, I love 'em, but Jesus, sometimes...
Then I feel guilty for complaining about it all, because Gods only know how much longer it's even gonna be like this. Grandpa's really gone downhill this year. Mom thinks he's still pretty much in there, I guess, but that he can't get the words out. I... don't know, really. He doesn't talk much anymore, and when he does it almost never makes sense. You have to try and puzzle out what he means, what he's trying to say. And sometimes nobody can figure it out. She says he still laughs at jokes, and I gotta wonder, is he laughing 'cause he heard it and gets that it's funny, or is he just kinda smiling and chuckling 'cause everybody else is?
But I'm in a bad headspace, and kind of irreverent half the time anyway, so I keep my mouth shut. What the hell am I supposed to do, anyway, tell Mom I think she's being too optimistic? That's her dad, you know?
...Fucking holidays. I am never on enough medication for this shit. This year? Definitely not on enough meds.
I really wish somebody would be there for Christmas besides us. It takes the pressure off. And I know that's gonna be worse than usual this year, because I'm not doing well. Not that we talk about these things in my family. Grandma's the type who'd wonder what I have to be depressed about.
Hell, I dunno. Take your pick.
More cheery news: We continued the tradition of my opening one present tonight, on account of me being a (lapsed) pagan. I got the Hunger Games trilogy in hardcover. Read the first one a few weeks ago and it was awesome, so I'm happy with this. I kept staring at my to-be-read shelf anyway, wondering what to read. So now I have something to read. Not the most cheerful thing in the world, but it's a great distraction, which is probably not the worst thing for me right now.